The Parent Trap: Kids & Parents at SHS

Written by Dana Bernstein

Hunter’s parents got to the phone first. Before he could find his teacher to discuss his assignment, his parents had taken the words right out of his mouth. Everyone seemed to have already discussed the matter at hand, except a key member of the situation: Hunter himself, who was beginning to wonder if his parents realized he was, in fact, seventeen years old. He could have easily solved the problem, but his parents’ constant hovering had pre-empted him. Phone calls from parents like Hunter’s keep the lines busy all day at SHS.

The Datatel 2006 College Parent Survey found that our parents’ generation values higher education, especially a college degree, more than their own parents did. Consequently, they are more involved with their children’s lives. Kim Meyers ‘80, parent of senior Emily and sophomore Doug Meyers, said “The world has gotten a lot more competitive. There is a much higher level of intensity for every single thing that is done today compared to forty years ago.” Recently retired SHS Director of Guidance Barbara Sarullo believes that this overinvolvement is a collision between students and parents. “Parent overinvolvement isn’t just a function of the parents. We have a generation of students who are incredibly compliant. My generation would have never tolerated the degree of involvement now,” she said.

Parents should be, and usually are, a positive force in their children’s lives, but at what point do they become too involved?

Performance Enhancement?

In a high-achieving community with immense pressure to succeed, parents are very involved with their child’s academics. “Scarsdale... is a very competitive environment, and I think that parents get caught up naturally in it. They want their kids to strive to be the best,” said senior Sydney Weinstock. Meyers said, “The pressure’s completely ubiquitous; it’s all around you.”

Parental pressure is often driven by grades. Senior Hunter said of his parents, “They make me want to do better than I’m capable of.... I tell them all the time that I want them to back off, and they still pressure me…. They ask me why I didn’t do better on a certain test, which doesn’t make me feel good about myself.” Senior Rachel Kroll said, “I’ve heard about parents opening up report cards before their kids do.”

Parents today often contact the school to make sure their children are keeping up with assignments. One anonymous parent said, “Parent/teacher night is the first time [my husband and I] meet the teachers. The teachers sometimes comment, “Oh. We haven’t seen you yet.” I can tell that they [the teachers] think this is strange… and unusual for Scarsdale,” she said. Junior Karl said that he usually tells his parents what his homework is, “but sometimes they’ll double check in my planner,” he said.

Junior year can be especially draining on students, with an increased workload and preparation for standardized tests. College visits just add to the stress. “My parents took me to [visit] fourteen colleges, which was slightly ridiculous,” said Kroll.

Scenes From the Sidelines

Parents’ involvement often extends far beyond the classrooms, to the fields, courts, and concert halls of their children’s extracurricular activities. Some parents forget that the activities are their children’s, not their own.

Sophomore Heather recalled when her mother became involved with her dancing. “I wasn’t very interested in this one [dance] company, but my mom wanted me to do it.... The whole entire year I kept telling her how much I hated it, but she wouldn’t let me quit,” she said. Heather said that after a discussion, her mother finally saw where she was coming from. “I started doing dance because I like to express myself... but this wasn’t fun for me at all. Finally, she understood, and she’s not making me do it again,” she said.

Not every parent, however, falls prey to this practice. Senior Madison said that her parents have always supported her in her sports endeavors, but “I never felt like I was forced to play. I was always encouraged to, but if I had made the decision on my own not to play anymore, there would have been no pressure from my parents to continue. My father and mother don’t push me to practice. I do it because I want to,” she said.

The telltale signs of an overbearing parent regarding extracurricular activities include not allowing kids to choose their own activities, insufficient “down time” because children are bogged down by ballet, drama, violin, lacrosse, and yearbook, and a parental emphasis on achivements rather than experiences.

“I don’t force [my children] to do certain things, but if they express a desire to do something, I will go to great lengths to find that experience for them,” said Besty Ricks, mother of senior Katrina Ricks. Ricks, mother of six, said that her oldest daughter expressed a great desire to dance. “I went along with what she wanted and gave her the opportunity. She danced in the city and went to the American School of Ballet. That was her thing; it wasn’t me pushing her,” she said.

The Battle of the Curfew

Some parents can also become involved in their children’s social lives in ways their kids find excessive. Karl said that his parents sometimes tell him which groups of people he should hang out with. “It can be annoying because they don’t really know those people. They’re making quick judgments,” he said.

Similarly, sophomore Jasmine said that her parents are rather strict about her social life. “They [my parents] make me study until I finish everything. If I don’t have my homework finished, I can’t go out anywhere,” she said. Though she may not agree with this family rule entirely, Jasmine dutifully complies. “I guess [the family rule] is okay,” she said. Another SHS parent employs the same rule. “I don’t allow my children to go out if their homework is not done,” she said.

Many parents require that their children call and/or text them when they go out on weekends, but some parents have more stringent rules. “One time, both my girls went into the city to meet some friends. I told them they had to text me at every stage, such as when they got off the train and when they arrived at the restaurant. They forgot to text me so from 9:30 to 10:30, I had no idea where they were, and [consequently] I grounded them. For about three weeks, they couldn’t go into the city. They were not happy with me. Calling is [a] courtesy to me so that I don’t worry,” said an anonymous parent.

One anonymous parent said that some parents don’t “know how to let go” of their children. This parent spoke of one mother who “won’t even let her child walk home from school; she’s so nervous about it. She worries about her kids being in other people’s cars. Her daughter said that when she went off to college, she didn’t want to be too close to home because she didn’t want her mother just showing up on the doorstep. She felt that her mom knew everything about her life. That’s really sad,” she said.

When children reach high school, “It gets harder,” said another anonymous parent. “When the kids are driving... you don’t know all of your kid’s friends.”

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Heather said that she knows a student whose parents “never know where their child is on the weekend. The parents never ask them [the child] to call them and tell them where they are.”

(Not) Cruel Intentions

Parents’ overinvolvement can put tremendous stress on children. Different children react in different ways to these parents. Some children rebel against their parents’ hovering while others may be unable to function without someone telling them what to do. “What I worry about as a parent is that we’re not teaching our kids how to stand on their own two feet and to navigate the world enough; kids need to learn that.... We’re all at risk for kids not being emotionally prepared for tough times ahead,” said Meyers. Meyers felt that when children reach college, they may not be able to manage their time because they’re so used to their parents managing their time for them.

Telling a parent to back off when they’ve become too pushy is not easy. Sarullo said that communication is key between parents and students. “Families should talk about where the boundaries are, about what falls into the domain of what students should be handling independently and of what... parents should be supervising,” she said. English teacher Pamela Kroll believes that “there is power in siblings” who can work together “to sort of push back against the parents and say, ‘We’re really doing well on our own. You don’t need to worry about us.’”

Not all parents are overbearing, of course. Sometimes, parents mean well but just don’t know when to stop pushing. “Parents in this community, in general, have done a wonderful job in raising their children. The students here are capable, intelligent, and independent,” said Sarullo. “Often the very parents who have instilled those qualities don’t allow them to flourish. Parents need to... trust in their own parenting.”